8 Trust-Building Tips from an Anxiety Therapist in Chicago
Hello and welcome! I am an anxiety therapist in Chicago who helps individuals and couples improve their relationships with themselves and their partners. Let's discuss not just the importance of initiating a meaningful conversation with your partner, but also the practical steps to do so effectively! If you are looking for tried and true ways to improve your relationship, check out these tips below.
Great Conversations Begin with Timing and Mindset
As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, I often emphasize the importance of timing and mindset when starting conversations with your partner. Before initiating any discussion, it's crucial to consider when and where it will take place. For example, if one or both individuals come home after a long, stressful day, bringing up relationship concerns may not be the best time.
Tips from an Anxiety Therapist in Chicago: Creating the Right Time and Space for Important Conversations
Schedule a day and time in both of your calendars to ensure you both come to the conversation prepared and with a clear mind. As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, I recommend setting aside dedicated time to show that the discussion is important and that you value your partner's input. Focus on discussing just one topic during this time to avoid overwhelming each other and to allow for a more in-depth conversation.
Find a place where you both feel comfortable, whether it's a cozy corner at home or a quiet café. The environment plays a significant role in how open and relaxed you both feel. This "date night" should be more than just a discussion—think of it as a time to connect emotionally, rekindle your bond, and reaffirm your commitment to each other. This dedicated time helps create a safe space where both of you can express your thoughts and feelings without distractions, fostering deeper understanding and intimacy in your relationship.
Date Night Self Check-in to Ask. “Did I…”?
Eat enough food?
Drink enough water?
Get enough sleep?
Speak my share my feelings and thoughts to my partner without being hurtful?
Make space to have a conversation with my partner?
Date Night Questions to Consider:
Are we in the right head space to have this conversation?
What is your intention as to why we are having this conversation?
What areas in our lives are causing us to feel more stressed? Work? Household chores?
Are we both nervous to spend time with one another, especially when ‘we’ are usually last on our ongoing to-do lists?
How do we prioritize us when the kids need attention? Let’s figure out a way to make us a priority.
Insights from an Anxiety Therapist in Chicago: Understanding Our Whys
Beginning to understand our whys will help us see what we need to rebuild trust and connection with one another. As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, I encourage you to think about how you would like to feel before and after the conversation. Check in with yourself as well. Be honest with yourself and your partner, remembering that both partners’ feelings, thoughts, and experiences are valid. Notice when certain words or phrases are used and how they affect you. If necessary, couples’ counseling could be a great resource to start those important conversations.
Let’s Jump Right In! 8 Steps to Improve Your Relationship from an Anxiety Therapist in Chicago
Step 1: “I feel…” Statements
There is a reason why many couples counseling books start with expressing how we feel. As an anxiety therapist, when I meet with my couples, I understand how easy it is to shift the blame and responsibility from one person to the other. When stress and trauma come into the picture, it only compounds the concerns.
“I Feel” Formula:
“I feel (insert emotion) when (insert behavior or reaction that you saw from the situation or from your partner). Can you help me (understand? with a task? etc.)”
Example: “I felt annoyed when I asked for the trash to be taken out before the end of the day and it wasn’t done. Can you help me with this task when you have a chance?”
Step 2: Being Mindful of Your Words and Tone
Your words and the tone you use can either create positive or negative reactions and responses with your partner.
Anxiety therapist tip: What type of conversation would you like to walk away from and return to? Remember to be specific and why you are looking for a connection.
Which would you respond to?
Option 1: “You never listen to me when I’m trying to tell you something. It’s like I’m invisible to you.”
Option 2: “In 5 minutes, can we sit on the couch to talk and spend time together? I miss feeling connected with you.” (Be specific and focus on the why.)
Step 3: Be Curious and Open When Asking Questions
When we are heard by our partners, we are more open to listening to what they have to say. Asking questions similar to those explored in therapy with an anxiety therapist in Chicago can help facilitate this kind of communication.
Try: “I’m wondering if this is how you may have felt… when you said this?”
Or this: “This is what I heard you say. Did I miss anything?”
Step 4: Focus on One Topic at a Time
In my experience of working with couples as an anxiety therapist in Chicago, it’s beneficial to branch out and have side conversations; however, it’s helpful to start with one main topic or gently steer the discussion back to the core reason for your session.
Try saying: “We’ve been so busy with [insert stressors here]. I wanted to talk about how we can spend more quality time together. Here are some of my suggestions. What do you think?”
Step 5: Check In with Yourself, Especially Knowing Your Limits
Reflect on the conversation that has happened so far with you and your partner, especially if something unsettling is said. It is okay to ask for a break if you’re feeling overwhelmed. When you're mentally and emotionally flooded, it's hard to truly listen, and you're more likely to react impulsively instead of responding thoughtfully.
Reminder for a Self Check-in:
“How am I feeling about what is being said?”
“Can I continue listening intently or do I need a break?”
Step 6: Communicating Your Boundaries in a Concise and Calm Manner
As the point above mentioned, taking breaks during the conversation is healthy and normal. If you feel overwhelmed or stressed out, tell your partner. If you or your partner need a break, respect their boundaries. In my experience as an anxiety therapist, continued discussion when one or both partners are emotionally shut down is similar to talking to a wall. Moving forward forcefully can lose your trust in future conversations.
Try saying, “I want to continue our conversation, however, I need some time to process what we’ve said so far. Could we continue this conversation another time this week, maybe on (insert day and time)?”
Step 7: Following up with your partner
When you say that you will come back at said day or time, remember to follow up. As an anxiety therapist, this is one of the most important takeaway points! This is the building block to building or rebuilding trust within your relationship.
Anxiety Therapist Suggestion:
Address the concerns sooner rather than later, preferably within 24-48 hours. The main idea is to stick to your word. Take time to cool off and engage in your self-compassion exercises. Here is a list of suggestions if needed.
Example of a follow-up statement: “It’s Tuesday night and I wanted to check in with our conversation from the other day. Are you available to talk about it again?”
Step 8: Check-In and Reflect
Check in with your partner by the end of the discussion and ask something along the lines of, “Are we okay?” meaning, “Did we both feel heard and respected? Have we both said what we intended and shared our feelings?” In this way, this is an opportunity to hold space to debrief the conversation with one another by allowing vulnerability and transparency in your relationship.
Final Thoughts
Completing these tips takes consistency, practice, patience, and empathy for ourselves and our partners. Come back to this post whenever you need a refresher. Remember, having conflicts aren’t a bad thing. They also won’t tear your relationship apart either, unless we decide that we want to intentionally be mean, disrespectful, or cruel. Are you and your partner interested in improving your communication and conflict? I’d be happy to help you both navigate as an anxiety therapist in Chicago!
